To Lose Yourself and to Become Oneself
by MadStars
Summary: Is it impossible to forget what you are? Is it possible to regain who you should be? And if your past is haunting so haunting, can you really get over it?
1. Chapter 1

It was a nice day, really. The sky was a perfect blue, big puffy clouds formed it, the sun was out and there was a small but cool breeze that comforted the heated air, It would probably be a good day to hit the beach, or to go outside and play some outdoor games, walk your dog, heck, maybe even sit outside your porch in your comfy little lawn chair with a cool bottle of pop.

Yes, a perfect day for everybody!

Except those who were "lucky" enough to find this.

But alas, he was one of these people, Ivan thinks as he stares at the body of a young (man?) Sprawled on the grass close to a cabin in the woods, and it's a shame that such a sight is displayed here, really, it is. Because the woods had a nice lake nearby, and the beautiful view of a nearby mountain, plus said owners of the cabin were fairly old folks, though certainly nice.

(Even if they shook in absolute fear while letting them enter their property as they explained what they had found that morning when they decided to step to the garden and on the way found this.)

So now he stands here, witnessing the body, and unsure of whether or not just assume whoever it is most likely is dead by now, I mean, their body wasn't exactly in the best conditions, bite marks, bruises, cuts and burns matted their body, even their strawberry blonde hair was an absolute mess.

"Man, I wasn't expecting a dead body out here! Maybe it's gonna be like in one of those scary movies ya know? With the killer on the loose in the woods!" his partner suddenly says, slightly scaring him as he turned to face him, the man was cheerful, really. A bit too much, but that was fine since he was outgoing and seemed to catch the likings of many, he's a golden blonde man with bright sky blue eyes framed with glasses, this man went by the name of Alfred F. Jones, or, as some say, the dream catcher, the lady's man, and to him and quite a few, the asshole.

"I don't understand how you could be so cheerful in a situation like this." Ivan raised an eyebrow, though shook his head, knowing that Alfred was always like this, unless something was extremely serious or out of the ordinary for him to frown and turn to the grim look on his face. "I hope you didn't tell that to the old couple. They'd have a heart attack." He added, and that was immediately answered by a howl of laughter from the other.

"Are you crazy?! Even I'm afraid to the thought of that reality! Why would I even want to tell that to the poor couple anyway?" He shook his head, before mumbling out a small "Silly Ivan." This in turn, earned him a scowl from the other.

They both were complete opposites really. That much was clear as crystal on sight. While Alfred was like the sun, Ivan was most likely the moon, more introverted and eyes a deep and dark violet colour, his hair wasn't a golden hue like Alfred's, but platinum, lighter if you will, his built, although muscular like the others, was much more broader, and he was taller than him too.

"Whatever man, anyways, do you think he's dead?" The golden blonde asked, nudging the body on the ground a little with his foot.

"Stop nudging it with your foot." Ivan said, rolling his eyes as he crouched down to get a better look at the body.

"Did you just call her and it?" Alfred asked, slowly kneeling down beside the other.

"Why do you think it's a she?"

"Well, look at her. Her body's thin and kinda curvy here in the hips! But I don't see any boobs though…"

"Alfred I don't think you should be talking about the boobs of a dead woman-"

"So you do admit it's a woman! And how are you so sure she's dead?"

"I'm only saying that because you seem persistent on calling it a she and I'd rather not get into a fight with you over a clearly dead-"

He froze, immediately flinching as he felt a hand gripping at his arm, it seemed to have been too fast as the body he had thought for a goner, a dead and cold no heart beat body. But instead they seemed to have been alive, as they quickly shot up into a sitting position and gave a rather loud growl, it wasn't one hundred percent animalistic, but it was pretty close, before a howl and a hiss followed it, guess the movement must've gotten to it, with as many wounds as those, and how fast it did move, he's guessing it must have been painful.

Though he's quickly snapped out of his thoughts and momentary shock as his partner suddenly mutters out a "Holy shit." And he quickly turns to look at him, usual bright blue and happy eyes now a frightened and wide blue as his mouth hangs wide open in shock, ah, yes, the fear he's seen on him before when he watched that scary movie with him is now reflecting again, except that zombie that suddenly arose to life in a movie is coming into reality, oh the horror.

"Alfred. Listen to me, this isn't a zombie." He reasoned, "Snap out of your stupid little scary movie come to real life bullshit and call 911. We need an ambulance it clearly needs medical attention." He hissed out, more like an order than anything else really, as he watched Alfred shakily nod as he hesitantly stood up and ran (almost tripping a couple of times-) back into the cabin, most likely looking for a phone to use, they'd both found that neither of their own phones got any reception out here, so maybe the old phone on the wall would work better.

He sighed, trying to steady himself, yes he was slightly scared, but he knows zombies aren't real, at least not right now, and a whimper from the person gripping his arm brings him back to look at it, about to say something when he freezes, a strong feeling of déjà vu hitting him. Those eyes…They resembled his, just lighter, and they didn't seem so violet, but more like his iris seemed to have a battle of dominance between a blue and the violet.

He swears he's seen them before. But he can't quite remember where or why he even thinks that.

So he snaps out of the trance and clears his throat a little, startling the other as they snapped their full attention to him, it looks absolutely terrified, scared out of their mind probably.

"Who are you? Are you even alright?" he asks, and finds the other to look even more shocked to hear him speak, does this man not speak? Is he deaf? Is he mute? Maybe he doesn't even understand English? He'd just have to find out…

But to his shock, that doesn't appear to be the case, as the man slowly, but hesitantly utters out a small, insignificant but valuable word.

"No."

Their voice is soft, quiet, even Ivan, who was no farther away from him than a centimeter, has a hard time catching onto what he said, but also notices how raspy and unused it sounds like, also much too hesitant, have they not spoken in a long while? I mean, they've certainly used his voice, the growl and the howl wasn't a squeaky toy or anything.

"Do you remember who you are?" he asks, hesitant as the man barely seems to have an answer to his last question.

"Nanuq." They simply responds, before his small and calloused hand leaves Ivan's arm, to rest at his lap "You?" they seem to decide to ask, voice wavering slightly, and Ivan quickly notices his grasp at his talking is quickly leaving the frailer looking person.

"I'm Ivan Braginsky. A member of the rescue team, do you remember why you're here? How did you end up here? Do you even have a home?" He doesn't quite mean to push so many questions onto them, but he needs those answers, it's what you're supposed to ask a…Victim? Missing person? A person you found lying on the grass near a cabin of an elderly couple? Yeah.

For a while they're quiet, eyebrows furrowing as they wore a somber looking expression now.

"Home," They start, before shifting their body a little to point towards the woods, before he pauses, squeezing his eyes shut as if trying to remember before he opens them again "Attack….Pack…Home…Kuma…." he mumbled out, before he seemed to shake entirely, Ivan trying to quickly steady him, and it was a good thing too. Because the other's eyes rolled into the back of his head before he collapsed, fainting right into Ivan's open arms.

Everything was quiet for a little while, Ivan quickly checking his pulse and breathing to make sure he was only passed out before he sighed, oh yes, the media was going to have an absolute field trip with this story.

He can already see the news really; Body that was found near a cabin and believed to be dead shot up alive and well, passed out and is now in the hospital.

That is... If he didn't die before the ambulance even got there.

But at least Alfred was quickly coming back, jogging as he sighed when he looked at the body in Ivan's arms

"Is he dead now? Did I call the ambulance for nothing?" He quickly asked, frowning.

Ivan shook his head, rolling his eyes "He's alive. He even talked to me for a while, before he passed out. Either way he still needs medical attention."

Alfred shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck "I just hope he doesn't turn into some zombie biting freak or something."

Ivan glared at him, he really was an immature idiot "Would you stop that? We're not in some horror movie. Our job is done here anyways. We just have to wait for the paramedics to get here."

The other sighed "Alright, geez, you don't have to be so mean." He looked up to the sky a bit, squinting "Let's just hope we can get the summer free after this…"

Ivan had expected they'd be able to go home and pretend this was like any ordinary rescue team mission or whatever, but to his surprise they're both forced to sit on uncomfortable hospital waiting chairs. Why? Because they're the rescuers, the one who "found" him, which by the way, Alfred was wrong, as the body had turned out to be male.

("Ivan dude, psst." The Alfred of eight hours ago said, nudging him "I betcha a hundred bucks it's a chick."

Ivan had raised an eyebrow, before shrugging "Then I bet it's a man…Even though it doesn't fully seem like it."

That Alfred had laughed, playfully punching him, unknown to him that he's gotten on the wrong side of the bet.)

So now he sat next to the sulking Alfred and he swears his patience is slowly growing thinner by the second, he just wanted to go home and sleep, but no, he has to stay here and await the results of a man he really doesn't want to see again, for some reason that strange sense of déjà vu just doesn't leave him when he's around the man, and he swears Alfred looks a tad bit too uncomfortable in his presence.

But whether or not it's out of his fear of "Nanuq" (if that was even his name) suddenly biting and lashing out to infect the world and cause the apocalypse, or for another reason all together, he didn't know.

"This sucks." Alfred mumbled, yawning as he drank from his almost empty cup of coffee (his six one in a row) "I want to go home and like…Play call of duty or something."

Ivan, however, rolled his eyes "I'd rather not give my sisters a heart attack if they find out I didn't call them to make sure everything is alright."

Ah yes, his sisters, Katyushka was his older sister by at least four years, and Natalia was the youngest one, still in highschool with the age of sixteen.

His sisters were all the way across the country, they are immigrants, and because of that they'd had it pretty rough, but now they were kind of alright, I mean, Katyushka was a nurse at an ER and he was on a rescue team and both made pretty good money, the only problem was that his job had required for him to move, and thus, he's far away from them.

However his older sister was quite of a mother hen, and often demanded for constant reminders of his health and other things, fussing over him at all costs, and Natalia was pretty clingy, suffocating in fact.

So in the end, it's much better to call to say that he's alright rather than have two very fussy and worried sisters that got into the first plane to his state and barraged into his apartment while he was pouring milk into his corn flakes.

(Now that wouldn't have been too bad. If not for the fact that he was only in his underwear and trying to rush in his morning routine, because he had woken up late.)

"Dude, no offense, but your sisters are a tad bit too…Clingy." Alfred shrugged, "I mean. You're what, twenty six? Shouldn't you be able to like, take care of yourself by now?"

Ivan glanced towards him, rolling his eyes; Alfred wouldn't understand of course, he was an only child as far as everybody knew, so he didn't know about the sibling struggles or sibling bonding or whatever it was that was currently trending on Instagram and tumblr. Of course not, he probably had it easy, not having to share the remote, getting annoyed endlessly, no privacy, sharing was either forced or took persuasion to do so, and even after all those things, siblings somehow missed you when you were gone and worried about you.

Or at least his sisters did.

"You're an only child. You really wouldn't understand." He stated, sighing, not noticing how Alfred seemed to have slumped a little more

"Well, according to dad, I used to have a little sister. Her name was Madeline or something. She died at birth though." He shrugged "Though I guess it really doesn't count."

The taller of the two was about to say something, probably some sort of minimal apology, but then a comeback of how it doesn't count, but he was interrupted as a doctor walked into the waiting room, clearing his throat and catching the attention of the two.

"Are you both Mr. Braginsky and Mr. Jones?" the man asked, a clipboard in hand, and it made both wonder why he would be personally asking for them instead of telling a nurse to fetch them, I mean, that's what happens in movies right?

Though they both shared a look before doing so, they slowly stood up, Alfred deciding to talk first "Yup! That's us! Something the matter doc?"

The doctor visibly cringed at his energy, and or slang, why did he have to trust these two on a patient such as the one in the room he's just stepped out of?

"Yes, in fact I think you might have to sit down at some point…" he watched their reactions for a second, the more energetic one immediately sat down, though the taller (and rather scarier) one stayed standing up.

"We've managed to patch him up, there aren't any broken bones thank God, but there are some nasty cuts and bite marks, as well as some third degree burns on him. We also haven't gotten any sort of information out of him, no ID, no registration; in fact there isn't even a trace of who he really is on him."

A glance between Ivan and Alfred, both thinking of one thing, what the fuck, probably, or something else, but soon the doctor started talking again.

"We've collected some blood and we'll see if that leads us to anything, but for the most part, be haven't gotten a single trace. He's woken up once now. Sounding like a wild animal at first, before we started talking to him, he's said his name is Nanuq, but when we asked who gave him that name, or who his parents are, he stays quiet, before slowly mumbling a, myself. And as weird as that is; he's saying something about a bear, Kuma…Kumajirou? I think was his name, but he seemed worried sick about it."

The doctor took a deep breath "So, while we try to decide what to do with him…Or know who he even is. We need him to stay with someone. And that someone is going to be one of you."

He had to bite down the laugh as he watched as both of their eyes widened and started sputtering excuses, how their apartment was too small, they had friends over all the time, they didn't have enough for another person, etc.

The doctor just shook his head "Whether you like it or not you're the only ones who are momentarily capable of taking care of him. Besides, you can split and share the charge of taking care of him."

"But, I'll let you too decide that later. Please come with me, I'd like to show you too the state he's in."

And without giving them a chance to reply, turned around and started walking, motioning for the two of them to follow, and as reluctant as the other two were. They followed.

It seemed like forever as they walked down the hallway, before the doctor rounded on a door, opening it and stepping inside, and before the other two could enter, he sighed "I'd like to warn you two, it's not the best state, and he seems pretty underweight." He mumbled the last part, before slowly letting them enter.

Ivan stepped in first, before walking closer to the blonde man in the hospital bed, that doctor had been right, he didn't look to be in the best conditions, bandages wrapped around him, gauzes, a breathing mask, needles that injected some sort of liquid into him. Yeah, not the best, but also not the worst.

And of course Alfred had looked a little paler when he saw him, but it's not like he was reacting entirely bad, or not that he cared much as Ivan walked towards the bed, picking up a nearby portfolio and opening it, slightly weirded out by the contents.

"…Williams?" he asked, looking towards the doctor "His last name is Williams?"

The doctor only shook his head "No, or at least we don't know. But a nurse here bestowed that last name to him for whatever reason…Said he looked like someone who's last name would be Williams." He shrugged a little.

Alfred gave him a look "Williams? Seriously dude? Williams is such a boring last name! At least tell me that you're gonna give him a different name than Nanuq or whatever the hell."

And while the doctor went to scolding Alfred, for his use of language and mocking of the last name Williams, Ivan only gave a sideway glance over to the man on the bed, the feeling of déjà vu was intense, even if he tried to make it stop, just where has he seen him before?

And it's been a month since then. Alfred had lost a game of rock paper scissors that they had played when the doctor was there, and now had the custody of Matthew.

Oh that's right, like you just read, not Nanuq, Matthew. Alfred had said that his name was weird, and unpronounceable, so he changed it to Matthew, despite how hard the other had protested against it, with the little words that he knew or could pronounce anyways.

But other than that Alfred wasn't so bad on taking care of him, he fed him, he gave him a nice home, he forced him to take baths even if Matthew didn't want to, and he even woke up in the middle of the night to calm him down whenever Matthew had a nightmare.

He probably wouldn't do that.

But alas, no matter how well Alfred was (hey, he even made Matthew put on some weight, which was good for him) even he couldn't hide his worries, as he seemed nervous on whether or not he was being a good caretaker or not, and, as Ivan slowly found out; scared of who exactly Matthew was.

They still didn't have any information onto him, and DNA test results didn't link him to anyone.

(Though a nurse had commented on a how similar Alfred and Matthew looked like, and while Alfred had rushed to explain how they couldn't be related, Matthew had only stayed quiet, though the look on his face changed to one of somebody hiding something.

Though that might have been his imagination.)

But that's not important, no. What's important is the fact that on a Saturday, he's now opening his door, at seven am, to a very cheerful looking Alfred, and sleepy and as usually cold and not so emotional Matthew.

"Why are you in my apartment at this hour?" he asked, grumbling angrily

"Dude, you gotta like, help me out, my aunt died and my mom is forcing me to go back home, and I just can't arrive with Matthew! I haven't told them yet, so like, do me a favour, and take care of him. It's only for a week!" Alfred had quickly explained, before nudging Matthew inside of the apartment and putting some bags down next to him, mumbling out small things like "be good." and "listen to Ivan."

"Do I look like a nanny to you? You're the one that's supposed to take care of him!" he tried to argue, but the American seemed to be in a rush.

"Dude. I don't care. I'm in a hurry right now like my flight is about to go and I need to get Matthew a place and you're avaible, agreeing with me? No? Yes? Great! See ya!" he quickly ran out the door, slamming it behind him and leaving Ivan and Matthew all alone.

Ivan gave one glance over to Matthew, who seemed to be looking around, the oversized (and clearly not his own, probably Alfred's) red hoodie made him look even smaller than he already was, sweatpants hiding his figure, as he wore a pair of black converse, before he seemed to realize the reality of the situation, and that Alfred wasn't there to fuss and take care of him, as his eyes widened a little, turning to look at the big man before him.

"Hi…" he started, voice soft and sweet and innocent, far from what Ivan had heard the first time he heard it.

"Hello." He responded, unsure of how this was going to turn out like.


	2. Chapter 2

After Ivan had somehow managed to shake away the actual shock from both being left with a person he wasn't even supposed to take care of, and the fact that because he hadn't heard Matthew's voice since the day in the hospital; he was trying to adapt to the very quiet and emotion void blonde, and somehow, despite the urge to kick Matthew out and send him through FedEx back to Alfred, he managed to calm down and sat Matthew down on the couch.

Matthew only looked around and seemed to try and take in every little detail around him, making Ivan slightly unnerved, why the other was doing this was beyond him, but whatever made him happy he supposes.

He thought about turning the TV on for him, but what good was there to do that? The other seemed very happy to just be staring at the nothing and everything of his small apartment.

(If you could even call penthouse with relatively spacious rooms a small apartment.)

So instead he was now carrying the forgotten bags Alfred had placed down on the foyer before he left to the spare guest room, they were pretty heavy, but he wasn't about to search through them, not really thinking it'd be worth his time.

As he walked he couldn't help just asking himself why, why would Alfred ever trust him with Matthew? The other seemed very protective of the much younger (they confirmed his age to be nineteen, and Alfred was already twenty-two, making him go in an all-out older brother type of mode), in fact so much as that the last time he saw Matthew, Alfred was getting angry at a nurse for "Doing something Matthew wasn't liking" (because apparently the blonde had been in tears when Alfred came back from eating).

So why would Alfred not trust a simple nurse, who would do nothing wrong but help the hurt man, yet he'd trust him, someone who had, in the past, hurt him, mocked him, beaten him up, and basically became his sworn enemy?

Back then, in the years of high school and earlier years of college, Alfred and him fought at sight of each other, they couldn't be near each other by at least a kilometer or they would fight, and it wouldn't be pretty.

He'd always been annoyed with the blonde, being years younger than him, and having skipped grades like a breeze, seemed to get along so well with everyone around him, but he wasn't just annoyed because he got the attention and love of his peers, he was more annoyed because the blonde was a pain in the ass.

Alfred had never ceased to stop with seemingly wild and unpredictable chatter, a bright smile adorned his face whenever, even at points of time where he shouldn't (sure he knew when to wipe the smile of his face accordingly to the moment, but at least ninety percent of the time he'd be adorning his face with a smile of a million dollars, or a shit eating grin to him), and now you wouldn't think that'd be so annoying, and no, it wasn't, it was the most bearable of his features back then.

No. The thing that annoyed him the most about the American was one fact in all, he never got the idea behind "a person's personal space" and "people sometimes just need space", and if it wasn't that, the blonde continually got into people's business without being asked to, or hell, even if he wasn't involved at first; and regardless if he was, Alfred would always, and I mean always, get farther into it. Whether it was a couple's bickering or massive brawls between certain cliques, Alfred would always step in, playing "Hero" without knowing just how annoying and absolutely despised it was.

It wasn't just him, tons of people at their school and earlier years of college hated Alfred for it, but in the end, either they managed to get attached to the blonde, or never really hated him just as bad as Ivan had.

But he guesses, thinking back to that, he really doesn't hate the blonde anymore, does he? In the end he's like the rest, hating him for a while (albeit a very long and exhausting while until both of them called it off) before all the hate dropped, and eventually the two of them could sit together in a room without wanting to murder the other.

Of course, it hadn't come off as an easy…peace treaty. And it's all actually because of a drunken mistake, in which he and Alfred were so plastered, and (surprisingly) in the same party, found themselves and, instead of beating each other up into bloody pulps on the ground , decided that hey, why the hell not, and slept with each other.

That's right; Alfred and Ivan, two people who had sworn to hate the other till death do them apart, slept with each other. And of course, the secret got out, and even if it was the reason why the two of them can be kind of friends right now, at the time both were pissed, putting blame onto the other as much as possible, hell, both accused each other at some point for rape.

And the more the secret got out, the more people started to side with either of the too, quite a lot were on Alfred's side, but there seemed to be an equal amount on Ivan's (mostly the people who hated Alfred).

In the end though, it became tiring for both sides, until eventually the two of them could come to the conclusion that, the mistake was both theirs and, the two of them were assholes.

And soon enough the Russian could finally spend some sort of time with the American without wanting to do terrible and murderous things to the other.

(It took a whole bunch of vodka, his sisters, and couple of the people on his side to do so.)

But it isn't so bad, sometimes the American can get rather annoying, but now he's learnt to live with him, especially since lady luck was never on his side and he ended up being partners with him in their rescue team.

But never mind that, it's in the past now, and while the American's actions are…questionable (as of this morning), he still had to place the bags in the guest room, so he made his way through the hallway, walls lined with pictures of either paintings he's bought on the streets, or family pictures of his sisters and him.

Until finally he stopped in front of the farthest room to the left, the one closest to his own, placing the bags he carried on his right hand down as he slowly pushed the door opened, revealing a nice, white and greyish scale like room.

It wasn't that the other rooms in the apartment were anything more colorful than this, they really weren't. But this one was especially bland, a very pale cream colour painted the walls, a couple of paintings hung on the wall, three of them to be exact, there was a nice, spacious bed, that had white colored sheets and a nice, grey and brown comforter, with a nice, delicate pattern, adorning it, there was a TV there too, not nearly as big as the one on the living room, or the ones in the other rooms, but either way it was nice to have.

He didn't pay attention to the frosty feel to the room, after all, it hasn't been used at all since…well… _He,_ died.

But let's not get into any details, he shook his head as he picked the bags on the floor and placed all of them on the floor, right next to the bed, and while he's at it he wonders just how much the small, barely alive man such as Matthew needs, and he finds himself pretty curious as he slowly kneels down close to one of the bags, a duffel one at that, and slowly opens it, the zipper making a (slightly) loud noise through the empty room.

Inside, what he finds really, is a couple of pairs of clothes, regular and almost casual clothes at that, that looked like they were Matthew's clothes, clothes Alfred had probably had to buy for him, and maybe annoy a couple of people for measurements, considering they looked small enough to fit Matthew's frame; but that just might be him, with his height and size anything below him he found awfully small.

And then it catches his eye, a letter, neatly placed atop of the clothes and, miraculously not crushed, sits there, and his temptation and curiosity gets the best of him as he picks up the neat letter into his rough and large hand as he opens it, practically tearing through the coverage (a nice pale blue colour might he add) as he reads the letter, noticing right at first that it was addressed to him.

 ** _Hey Ivan man!_**

The letter starts, and Ivan almost wants to cringe because just looking at how the letter starts he just knows who it's from, the obnoxious American wrote this, didn't he?

 ** _I guess if you're reading this it means that Matthew's safe with you enough so that you could leave him alone in a room while you went through his stuff, or he gave the letter to you, whichever it is I trust he's fine at the moment, but if you did go over his stuff, man Ivan, you got some weird issues._**

Ivan could feel his eye twitch, obviously getting annoyed by the second he read at the American's letter, he hadn't meant to "go through his stuff" he was curious just why there was so many bags, how much stuff could he have anyways?

 ** _But don't worry; I'm not judging or anything. Where was I going with this letter? Oh right!_**

Screw the eye twitch, he felt a headache coming on, just why was this idiot taking care of another human again? Oh right, he had lost a game of rock, paper scissors…

 ** _Anyways, I'm writing this cause I'm awesome enough to warn you about a few things you might want to know before the day is over, ready or not, he's your responsibility for the mean while._**

And whose fault does Alfred think that is? Matthew wouldn't ever have to be his responsibility if it weren't for Alfred.

 ** _So, I'll start with the first thing, he doesn't sleep alone, he hates sleeping alone. He'll start crying and stuff, it's actually pretty depressing, now, don't get any wrong ideas, pervert. I'm not asking you to sleep in the same bed with him, I'm asking you to not be an idiot and leave him in one of your creepy ass empty rooms by himself while he sleeps._**

He…Cries? He didn't know that, what could possibly cause that man to start crying and throwing a fit (by mere speculation) by sleeping alone and only sleeping alone? He isn't going to sleep anywhere near the other though, never been one to do it anyways. Maybe he could get out some of the old stuffed animals Natalia had given him over the years and give him a few so he could feel some sort of comfort through it? He really didn't know, but oh well, he had enough time until sundown to do so

 ** _Second of all, he's recently been watching a lot of TV! Mostly cartoons, and if you leave Netflix on for him, he'll binge watch a lot of cartoons and anime, recently he's watching this one anime…It's called Attack on Titan, I watched it a long time ago with Kiku, but apparently Matthew seems to like it a lot too! So that means that if you're going to work this week and leaving him, it means that just leave the TV on, or the remote nearby and he'll be fine!_**

Now that puzzled him, he had assumed Matthew wouldn't really be keen on watching TV but…He focused on the small noise coming from the living room, talking seemed to come from it, so he assumed the other had found the remote and concludes that no, Alfred wasn't lying to him.

 ** _Third of all, and it kind of relates with work, I told boss you'll be taking care of Matthew for the week, so you can skip at least Monday and he won't nag an ear out of you, but since the third one is really small, I'll add in the fourth one right inside the third's paragraph okay? Okay! He needs to take his medications, they're all in the little bag with small yellow chicks, don't ask, it's a gift from Gilbert, also, doctor is expecting him on Monday morning, which is kind of why I told you 'bout how boss will let it slide._**

So not only does Alfred leave him alone with Matthew, but expects him to lose a day from his job (He's a bit of a workaholic) to take someone to the doctor, if anything, it seemed like Alfred was dumping a bit too much responsibility on him…

 ** _And fourth of all! And this is the most important one, after Matthew goes to sleep, skype me. I have something really important to tell you, and it's kind of important or too long to write in this letter, anyways bye, take care of Mattie!_**

And the note ends there… Ivan raised an eyebrow, before pocketing the letter, why would Alfred specify to skype with him, after Matthew was asleep, just to tell him something important? Something seemed fishy there but…I guess it might just be him being a little weirded out.

Regardless, he didn't really want to come off as a creep to Matthew if he came into the room and found one of his bags opened, so he zipped the duffel back closed and stood up, walking out of the room, now he just had to show Matthew the room and he could go on his merry way.

As he walked down the halls he couldn't help but think, just how was he going to work out this…Not able to sleep alone problem? How did Alfred even deal with it? Sure the man was known to captivate hearts of a lot of ladies, so surely the man has had girls in his bed before, but the usually rough and loud American was softer, nicer and gentler with Matthew, afraid he'd break…Maybe he should ask the American when he skyped him, or text him, but he doubts he's going to answer any time soon, considering it'd be a couple of hours before he was back home, or had the energy enough to do so.

He guessed he could only shrug it off for now as he walked back to the living room, and sure enough, Matthew was there, curled up on the farthest end of the couch and basically making himself as small as possible as he snuggled close to his hoodie (not that it was complicated, seriously, that had to be at least a couple of sizes bigger than him), wide eyes watching the TV intently, it didn't look like he was watching anime, but he was watching a show he recognized, Natalia having talked his ear out about it (she's a bit of a fangirl when she isn't creeping around or busy studying), Miraculous Ladybug, if he remembers correctly, it isn't the best one Natalia has shown him, but it was nice to watch while he was bored or looking for something to watch (or drunk off his ass), still though, Matthew looked like he was really enjoying it.

However, once his feet made a sound against the hardwood floors, Matthew's eyes snapped to quickly look at Ivan, eyes looking very distrusting and that alone seemed to annoy Ivan, what? What did this weak little man in front of him think? That he'd snap him in half? Okay, it might be possible with his size, but Ivan has more right to not trust Matthew than Matthew has of not trusting Ivan.

Let's put it this way; if you were to find an almost dead person, who has absolutely no backstory to him, and are forced to take care of him, wouldn't you at least feel a little bit uneasy?

No? Yes? It doesn't matter, it's just how Ivan reacts, and he has a bit of a right, considering he hadn't even expected Matthew to survive a week.

So no, he couldn't stop the annoyed sound and raising of eyebrow, the crossing of his arms over his chest as he stared pointedly at Matthew "What?" he asked, and no, of course he couldn't stop the distrust and slight rudeness in his tone

However, before he could even think that, hey Ivan you're being an asshole, Matthew had already flinched, not once, but twice as he quickly looked away and back to the TV, cowering into the hoodie as he desperately tried to hide his face "S-Sorry…" he stuttered out finally, and Ivan couldn't help the small pang of guilt that crashed down on him.

He hadn't meant to be that much of an asshole…Okay maybe a little bit, but that's because he generally is around strangers, or appears as rude to most, at least. So he quickly went to pat Matthew's head and apologize, when his phone buzzed.

He sighed, lowering the hand that was ready to pet down as he looked at his phone, to his surprise, he found a text from Alfred, he wasn't really expecting it, so he quickly unlocked his phone and opened up messages, tapping atop of the bright icon with Alfred's face on it as he scanned the message.

 ** _Hey dude! Did you read the letter? Don't worry if you have or haven't (if you haven't it's in the duffel bag), but like, I was totally pissed when I noticed I didn't put Matthew's medication hour taking thingies in it! :0_**

He snorted a little at the message, just now realizing that no, Alfred really hadn't told him… Oh well.

 ** _Anyways, because I forgot, I'll tell you now, the red ones are to be taken at 8:30, and since it's 8, give it a couple of minutes before you give them to him, the blue ones are taken right after he eats his breakfast, lunch and dinner, you don't have to worry about breakfast, he already took that one and ate breakfast! Haha I'm so responsible! Anyways…The really white ones that are super tiny are taken in the afternoon, after he takes his nap, and yes, he always does take his nap. But if you're wondering around what hour, at around 3 PM should be fine._**

That seemed like a lot of pills to Ivan, but he guesses it's all now and- Oh, another message? And also full of pills… And what time to take them, he might as well copy the list to his notes on the phone, or put alarms for it, in case he really does forget, so he read through them, until he was sure he got to the last one, raising an eyebrow at it in confusion.

 ** _And then there's the last one, right before you send him to bed, make him take it, even if he doesn't want to. It's…For insomnia, even if he sleeps with someone next to him he won't sleep sometimes, the pill makes him sort of sleepy, anyways, it's the really small, lime green colored one. My planes about to start loading now, so I'm gonna leave ya now, good luck!_**

Insomnia? That small man had insomnia? It did sort of explain why he won't sleep in a room alone…yet still, It's sort of confusing, but regardless, he isn't about to ask very stupid questions.

He glanced from his phone to Matthew, sighing when he caught Matthew quickly looking to Ivan and rapidly back to the screen, he felt the feeling of guilt coming back to him, but he could only shrug it off as he turned around, pocketing his phone.

"I'm going to be in my office alright? I have some papers to do, I'll be giving you your lunch and medicine when the time comes alright?" he said while disappearing into the hall, not bothering to hear the small "Okay" that came from Matthew.

oOo Page break oOo

And he did, for the entirety of the day he gave Matthew his medications, gave him food and some snacks, while the two stayed far away from each other, Ivan trying to finish some last minute papers, and Matthew binge watching a lot of cartoons, and the occasional movie.

But at least it wasn't entirely bad, Matthew after a while wasn't as tense or flinching every second Ivan was around and actually seemed to relax while Ivan was around him, maybe a reflex? He didn't know.

Eventually though, night rolled around, and Ivan finally managed to finish his papers as he walked out of the room, looking to the TV, and then back at Matthew, who was still watching the TV as intently as ever, he cleared his throat, making Matthew look towards him, blinking his wide eyes "Yes?" he asked, voice still pretty soft and almost inexistent.

"I...Seeing as you already ate dinner, it's time to go to bed, so why don't I give you your last pill?" he tried, voice not as rough or mean as before, he found out that roughness and the aura of fear that seemed to haunt him wasn't going to get him anywhere with Matthew.

The strawberry blonde nodded, standing up from the couch as he followed Ivan to the kitchen, standing near the doorway as the large man worked and moved around the kitchen, getting the glass from one of the highest places of it, and then pouring some water into it before he handed the glass to Matthew, fishing out from his pockets the pill holder, and taking out a lime green one, offering to it to Matthew.

Matthew took a sip from the water so the pill could go through a little more smoothly, before placing the pill into his mouth hand downing it down with the water, before he held the glass back to Ivan, looking down at the floor, the pill he hated the most was this one, it made him drowsy and sleepy…And frankly, he didn't like it at all, sleeping…It…It bothered him, he didn't feel safe enough, not strong enough to sleep alone either, even if Alfred slept with him he felt like he'd be attacked, even if he was in a nice apartment with nice people, fear just took over him at night.

But he didn't dare voice what he felt, let a doctor, who thought he knew all about the problems in the world, medicate him with pills he's learned to hate long before he was attacked, long before they found him…

So instead he lets Ivan lead him to a very pale and colorless room, lets the other man lay him down on the bed, he thinks this is going too fast and too blurry for him, but he blames it all on the stupid medication that makes him unable to tell something from another thing once taken, he lets Ivan tuck him in, and way before he can fully close his eyes and let sleep take over, even if panic claws at him, Ivan comes back, a huge teddy bear in hand, he looks sheepish, maybe embarrassed?

"This is my sister's…It's one of her favourites, Alfred told me about how you can't sleep alone, and I hardly think you want to come and sleep with me, so uh…You can just pretend this is someone right?" he mumbled a little too fast as he laid the stuffed animal next to Matthew, and was sort of surprised when the other clung to it, but considering what he'd been told…It's no surprise is there?

So when he makes sure Matthew's asleep, clinging to the bear, he brushes some strands of hair from his face, leans down, completely forgetting who Matthew is, that this isn't his sister clinging to this toy, this is a man who's still scared of him, and kissed Matthew's forehead, before he realized his mistake and quickly bolted out of the room.

Too bad he didn't notice the pair of eyes opening and the face that adorned them turning beet red.

He sighed, going back to his office as he booted up his computer again, as soon as the lag and unnecessary things were gone, he logged into skype, clicking on Alfred's profile and skype name and dialing him, waiting for the other to pick up.

And he did, the American and him talked for a little bit, nothing really seemed to happen until…

"So…Ivan, I guess I haven't told you about what was so important huh?" a nervous chuckle came from the blonde on the other side of the screen, making Ivan raise an eyebrow in confusion.

"Well no, but I assume you're going to now?" something was off here…

"Yeah…I mean, it's not like you'll care I think, but I just thought it'd be important to mention…" the American looked away from the camera, before he continued "You know how I said I didn't tell my parents about him? That…Was a lie."

Ivan raised an eyebrow, a wave of anger getting to him but…He managed to calm it down and just answered with a very passive aggressive "Oh?"

Alfred looked guilty, nodding "Yeah, I mean, I did tell them, and they said they'd be more than happy to meet him but…When I showed him a picture of them, he freaked out, crying and screaming, it took me three hours to calm him down…" he explained, sighing "I'm sorry I dumped him on you but, I showed him yesterday and I didn't want him to hate me, to fear my parents…" he gave an aspirated sigh, brushing his bangs back a little "I don't know what the fuck is going on but…He was so afraid I…Never saw him that scared before." He shrugged "I guess it might be some sort of trauma but…"

Ivan sighed "It feels like he knows them?"

The American nodded, sighing "It doesn't feel right."

"You do know most people who suffer some sort of family trauma that…when they see something like a family…they freak out, you do know that right? It might've just been his reflex Alik."

Alfred grumbled "I know, but I just…It feels off, it might just be my paranoia, but oh well, anyways, gotta go! Mom's making pie and I'd hate to miss it!" and before Ivan had a say in it, he logged off, leaving Ivan in silence.

Ivan sighed, rubbing his temples, why would Matthew be so afraid? He knows some people do suffer from that but…It's so unlikely; did Matthew know Alfred's parents at some point? No…There's no way. Though Alfred's parents were pretty young, there was no way was there? They didn't even know if Matthew had ever known what a family was.

His trail of thought was broken by the figure at the door, more like Matthew, who held the stuffed bear given to him close, sniffling, tears in his eyes, and Ivan wanted to curse because this might be the fear getting to him.

"Yes Matthew?" he tried to be as nice as possible, and was shocked when the other moved closer, climbing into his lap as he nuzzled there, still holding the teddy as close to himself as possible.

"I-I can't sl-sleep alone…" he seemed to whisper after a while, and Ivan felt so bad, he could only sigh as he closed his computer, picking Matthew up bridal style as he walked back down the halls and into his room, one thing led to another and eventually Matthew was snuggled close to him, sleeping soundly.

And Ivan thinks that this is probably the closest he's been to someone while he slept in a long, long time. It's rather strange and he isn't sure if he likes the feeling, but at least he felt warm and it was nice…And with that thought in mind he fell asleep.

When he woke up in the morning, and found that he couldn't move, he almost flinched when he saw Matthew, until he remembered the night before, and sighed, slumping slightly as he relaxed, before he remembered that hey, he needed to do things, and pried Matthew off of him, even if it slightly broke him to pry the sleeping angel-looking man away from him.

At least his first day caring for Matthew wasn't so bad, acting so nice however…He wasn't a big fan of it, but if that jerk Alfred could do it, he could too. And with that thought in mind he headed to the kitchen, going to prepare breakfast.


End file.
